Soooo…..if you have a blog and think a lot about posting but go weeks and weeks without doing so, can you still say you’re a blogger? I’m thinking not…

To be blunt, I simply haven’t felt like blogging. Actually, I just haven’t felt like writing; I’m way behind on email, Facebook messages, and blog commenting, too. Which is kind of unusual for me, since I normally love nothing more than to sit and write. The problem is that I’ve been feeling just so….negative. Really, super-duper, reject-anything-and-everything, just-say-no NEGATIVE.

It was only very recently that I was able to put my finger on this particular emotion I’ve been holed up with for the last month. My “eureka” moment happened when I was watching the second episode (natch!) of my new favorite television show, “Episodes,” and heard Beverly say this to her husband: “My negative is so much, much bigger than your positive. In fact, my negative openly mocks your positive. My negative slaps your positive around. My negative grabs your positive, bends it over the couch, and buggers it from behind.”

YES!!! That’s how I feel! My negative is so, so, SO HUGE that I don’t want to inflict it on anyone by trying to write through it, so I’ve been ignoring the writer part of me.

This is, of course, because my brother was diagnosed with cancer and I don’t know what is going to happen to him. When I first got the news, I felt nothing but intense worry, fear, and sadness. I cried and cried and then bought a ticket to fly to California to spend some time with him. And that was an excellent thing to do, as it was very good for me to see him and spend time with him and understand exactly what he’s going through. But now I’m back, much too far away to be of any use to him or my parents, and my sadness and anxiety has manifested itself into….negativity. I just want to take his cancer, bend it over the couch, and bugger it into nothingness.

But I can’t. No one can. It’s just a really shitty situation that I can’t do anything about. Except admire my brother for the fact that he’s working really hard to be positive about his treatment, about his doctors, about his chances of surviving. And do my own hard work of slapping my negative out of its primary place in my order of emotions, since it’s only making everything more impossible than it already is.

Soooo….if you don’t feel like blogging but do it anyway because you think it might be good for you, can you still call it blogging? I’m thinking so…but that doesn’t mean I expect anyone to read!

We'll see how this goes. Be back soon.